Four more weeks

My OB said last Wednesday that I might deliver as early as four weeks from now.

Shit. I am so not ready. I still have so many things to fix... the baby's room, my work schedule, our finances... heck, even my hospital bag hasn't been packed. I am procrastinating, and I think it's because I am scared to death about what I'm going to go through in a few weeks' time.

Jess, please help me.

Thoughts on Milo

Interesting how this new phase in my life can make me sit still for hours on end, just pondering the wonder that is inside me.

My baby has been a hyperactive bundle. He kicks, somersaults, stretches... he coughs and hiccups. By this time, he can swallow already. He is fully formed and can feel pain. He reacts to the environment around him, despite being inside my womb. He knows my voice.

And now, after months of trying to come to terms with the notion of being a mom, I can say this truthfully: Having a baby is a blessing, no matter what the circumstance may be.

Chocolate Kiss

Jaja, a good friend of mine who used to work in SGV, brought me chicken kiev from The Chocolate Kiss for lunch today. I am happily eating it as I post this blog. Milo is basking in the happiness mommy feels right now at getting the much craved kiev. I was even pining for this pre-Milo! I wish I could post a photo but I've practically devoured the entire serving, haha. Just check the web site for Choco Kiss' house specialties; you'll find it there.

Thanks, Jess, for sending me friends like Jaja. This is my pick-me-up for today, and a perfect way to end the week.

Alone

My burgeoning belly is eliciting unsolicited advice from everyone I know, young and old. Do this, do that, don't do this, don't do that... Here are a few of the most popular ones:

What, you still work? Don't stress too much!
Be sure to save enough for all the baby's needs! Be prepared to spend!
Keep fit! You must exercise!
Don't walk around too much!
Eat what you feel like eating, you can't crave something and not get it!
Watch what you eat, too much of that is bad for the baby!
Your tummy is so small, you should get a check-up!
Your tummy is huge, you should take it easy with food!
Surround yourself with happy things - don't cry, don't stress and don't put yourself in situations that get you down. (This is by far the funniest, most ludicrous of all advice. It is simply not possible in my world.)

I try to take everything in stride, but there are days when I just want to scream at them all -- what do you know?! You are not going through this pregnancy -- I am! Instead of giving me unsolicited advice, why don't you mind your own damn business? I don't need another bone to chew on. I already have a mountain of worries on my shoulders.

The truth is, I have never told anyone how utterly scared, alone and misunderstood I have felt since the beginning of this pregnancy. Well, I had a great counselor until he had to leave for the US. And now, it's back to no one understanding me. I tried to reach out, but explaining proves futile. No one gets it.

I have never said it out loud for fear of drowning in it, but I despair many times... I don't know where to find the strength anymore. I can't even feel bad? I can't be irrational when I'm overwhelmed with my thoughts and emotions? I am scared to death about this entire pregnancy, and of being a mother, and of knowing my future is inescapably tied to this little life I now have inside me. And I can't have moments where I can just let all those emotions out? Why?! Because I have to be happy? Because I have to feel blessed? Why is it that I still "have to"?! Why can't I just be?

I know He will not give me what I cannot handle.

So just let me handle things my way.

First letter

My dearest son,

I wake up to find no joy this morning, and undoubtedly you feel it although you can't begin to understand things yet. I just want you to know that I love you, no matter what. Somehow, when I close my eyes and think of that phrase, "I love you", I know you find Truth in it. Know this, too -- despite everything that is happening now, I will never stop loving you.

Please be a bit patient with me, anak. I will try once more to find joy in the morning.

Craving

OK, so it's as low res as low res can get.. but I just have to say I was in heaven last night when I took matters into my own hands, walked the way to McDo, and bought my cheeseburger meal. To hell with healthy options and financial strain (yes, I am that poor to think twice about buying McDonald's food.) - I needed my cheeseburger fix and I needed it at that moment.

I never quite allowed myself instant gratification in terms of getting my food fixes. I didn't realize it was sooo good to get the food I want the minute I'd want it.

Lesson learned... to make this pregnancy tolerable, eating is the way to go.

It's a boy!

'Nuf said. :D

Baby at 10 weeks

I cried when I saw my baby for the first time through 3D ultrasound. He (or she!) looked like he was thumb sucking. I could already distinguish his head, the tiny limbs, and some facial features.

I was so incredulous. I have Life inside me, and I have been tasked to take care of this precious babe. I'm still at a loss for words...

Still on the bus (and other thoughts)

It's past 3.30 pm but I feel like I'm still on that damn bus I rode this morning. The general feeling of nausea is becoming so familiar... it sticks to me like a song I heard a few hours back with a haunting few bars that keep playing in my head, or a sliver of a forgotten 'to do' at the back of my mind. Yeah, it's just like that, the nausea that keeps to the shadows and waits unassumingly until it finds a very inappropriate time to come at me full force. And while I try not to mind it, there are times (especially after meals) when I am most wary and tense. Funny how preoccupied my physical state can keep me, that I neglect to do most of my work nowadays. It's days when I'm slumped on my desk, nauseated and bleary-eyed and generally a mess that I wonder why I even bother going to work, why the Marketing team puts up with me, why I think I can do this when in fact my body is screaming that it can't...

Then the mail comes in, and I find myself having to handle an important task, or review a management letter, or approve a video... and for a few minutes at least, I struggle to set aside my awareness of the physical discomfort I have and lose myself in work. Then I begin to feel almost like my former self, and I realize that this is why I bother to trudge to work everyday despite my horrible 24-hour morning sickness. I need to feel alive for a reason apart from the life that I am now carrying. Having work, being productive, does that for me. I am sure that I will find other ways to feel alive; like when I had my alone time (Titus calls it 'me time') last week and sipped a mug of tea latte while people watching for half an hour @ CBTL Alabang. I was elated. I was part of the hustle-bustle, still in circulation, a mall rat like any other.

More and more I am becoming at peace with the thought of being Mother. But I am also coming to important realizations, like just how valuable time is, whether it's spent on myself or with my child, or with family and friends. And how simple decisions such as the food I eat or the manner in which I go to work now affect someone else apart from me and will continue to affect that important someone until December. Then there is the thought of the birthing process, when my child and I must struggle to separate physically so we can be together. But that deserves a separate blog on its own so I'll stop for now.

Twice the fun...?

Michael, Kats, Agnes and a few others have brought up the idea that I might be having twins.

The thought terrifies me.

I can't even see myself doing a good job taking care of one baby, let alone two.

What did I get myself into??!

Getting by

Everyday I wake up and I just want to crawl back into the covers and sleep for another three hours--at least. The nausea and discomfort of the first trimester of pregnancy is not easy to deal with, but I am trying my best because I need to stay focused on my work. My team needs me now and I can't fail them.

What's in a name

They say a name defines a person.

Thus, my obsession to find the perfect name for my baby. It has to be a strong, reliable name. I have yet to find good choices for a baby girl (there is just so many to choose from and nothing seems to fit) but for a baby boy, I'm inclined to name him Manuel Antonio. We'll see, though.

Papa says my baby will be a girl. Even Paton says so. *shrug* Having second thoughts about finding out at four months or when I give birth na lang.

But I digress. Any name suggestions, anyone?

Food

It's not the calorie count. I am all of a sudden worried about how my baby will react to all the food I'm eating. Will it like chicken as much as I do? Should I eat more vegetables? (There is an obvious answer to this one but I balk, really) Are hashbrowns too oily for me to eat? What about milk-how much of it should I be drinking? I still haven't gotten a list of eating dos and don'ts. All I know is I can't eat anything raw, no caffeine, nothing too salty. Hmmm... That cuts my preferred food to about half. Sadness...

I'm going to be a mom

How odd.

I never thought I'd be a mom this soon. And after all the tears, the uncertainty, the terror... It has finally sank in.

I'm going to be a mom.

That thought makes me smile.