It's past 3.30 pm but I feel like I'm still on that damn bus I rode this morning. The general feeling of nausea is becoming so familiar... it sticks to me like a song I heard a few hours back with a haunting few bars that keep playing in my head, or a sliver of a forgotten 'to do' at the back of my mind. Yeah, it's just like that, the nausea that keeps to the shadows and waits unassumingly until it finds a very inappropriate time to come at me full force. And while I try not to mind it, there are times (especially after meals) when I am most wary and tense. Funny how preoccupied my physical state can keep me, that I neglect to do most of my work nowadays. It's days when I'm slumped on my desk, nauseated and bleary-eyed and generally a mess that I wonder why I even bother going to work, why the Marketing team puts up with me, why I think I can do this when in fact my body is screaming that it can't...
Then the mail comes in, and I find myself having to handle an important task, or review a management letter, or approve a video... and for a few minutes at least, I struggle to set aside my awareness of the physical discomfort I have and lose myself in work. Then I begin to feel almost like my former self, and I realize that this is why I bother to trudge to work everyday despite my horrible 24-hour morning sickness. I need to feel alive for a reason apart from the life that I am now carrying. Having work, being productive, does that for me. I am sure that I will find other ways to feel alive; like when I had my alone time (Titus calls it 'me time') last week and sipped a mug of tea latte while people watching for half an hour @ CBTL Alabang. I was elated. I was part of the hustle-bustle, still in circulation, a mall rat like any other.
More and more I am becoming at peace with the thought of being Mother. But I am also coming to important realizations, like just how valuable time is, whether it's spent on myself or with my child, or with family and friends. And how simple decisions such as the food I eat or the manner in which I go to work now affect someone else apart from me and will continue to affect that important someone until December. Then there is the thought of the birthing process, when my child and I must struggle to separate physically so we can be together. But that deserves a separate blog on its own so I'll stop for now.
