Joy

I am thankful that I experience moments of pure joy with my son. It's a gift that come unexpectedly in a day; something I look forward to and immerse in it when it happens.

Yesterday I noticed Milo was taking too much of an interest in watching me put on make-up (he volunteered to put on my lipstick). I decided to stop putting make-up in front of him (yes, it's the old-fashioned mindset in me coming out)... but he continued to look at me expectantly. Finally I turned to him and asked what he was thinking. With a shy smile, he stuttered, "Mom... mom even if you have no poweder... and make-up, you're pretty... just like that."

How I love my son :)

Facing rock bottom and reality

Last Saturday, I faced my most dire moment. It has been two months since my son was officially diagnosed with combined type ADHD. We have been going through therapy for two years now; the latest findings also point to a probability of Milo having seizures, and statistics say that 30% of kids with ADHD will also develop Epilepsy. With that jarring conclusion, life for me has once more been turned upside down. There are many things that we now have to be mindful of and watch out for. Milo's ADHD is also manifesting in a more serious way at home, and there are many, many challenges that come along with it -- including how to keep our nannies (we are on our third this year!). Somehow, I have managed to face this, plus a serious health scare from my husband, plus growing responsibilities at work, with some positivity and good cheer. It all came crashing down on me last Saturday though. At the end of a long day (the nanny was off sick, I had to work from home and tend to my son and deal with some house issues), I just ended up sobbing my heart out. It started with a statement: I wish he could just be normal. Then the flood gates opened. What did I ever do wrong to be faced with this situation? I keep trying so hard to hold everything together... why do I feel that I can't, or that I don't want to? I am exhausted, and I feel unloved. People keep saying that there is a reason I was 'chosen' to be Milo's mom -- because I could take all this. But why do I have to? Why me? Why us? My husband just sat beside me and held my hand. He had the good sense to just stay quiet and offer me the comfort of his presence. I felt that in that moment I cried because of all the fears that I had for my son, and that he would grow up to be sad and alone and lonely and just as unloved as I was feeling at that moment. I cried because of my own ineptitude. I cried because I didn't know what else to do. Afterwards, I crawled into bed and slept til the sun came up the next day. Then I got up and moved on. It was good to cry. It helped me face rock bottom, and allowed me to move a little bit closer to embracing this new reality. I am still fearful, sad, and disheartened at times. But having articulated what I thought were very selfish and self-centered thoughts, and having my husband just sit quietly and listen, really helped me accept the fact that I did have those thoughts... and in the end, it's ok, because what's important is not that I think happy thoughts... it's that despite having the gloomiest of thoughts, I still find the courage to get up and try to live a happy life.

Reality bites

Milo just started school last June, and two weeks into classes, his adviser called me for a short conference. Apparently, he's having quite a challenge adjusting to the rigid school structure (he is so used to unstructured play) and needs additional guidance at home. It was my first inkling that there would be struggles ahead when it came to Milo's education. A month later, I was still getting called to school. I consulted my pediatrician about other behavioral reinforcements that I could try, and she suggested that I bring him to an occupational therapist. We are going onto our third session with the OT and so far, we are seeing opportunities to reinforce correct behavior in ways that Milo will be receptive to. The OT also explained that his hyperactiveness, impulsiveness and lack of focus would really be highlighted in such a traditional school setting... I guess it's time to explore progressive educational institutions in the area as well. In Milo's first two years of life, I really was the proud parent, ever defensive of even the slightest criticism, basically convincing myself that Milo could do no wrong. But in doing so, I have done wrong by him, and now it's time to take a hard stand on his behavior. Hopefully, with time, effort and consistency, we'll be able to correct this and help Milo assimilate better into student life. It's a humbling experience to go through this, and I am thankful for my supportive husband and family who assure me that things will be ok. Most of all, I am thankful that Jess has let his kindness and Grace shine through all the preoccupations in my life, and slowly but surely find its way to my heart.

Almost a year later...

Kung Hei Fat Choi (a late post)

More photos

Just some recent photos, courtesy of Tita Jo Elicaño.

A Fun Ranch indeed!

We took Milo to Fun Ranch for the first time last march 6. After taking a while to warm up to the place (the play area is huge, Milo was running around, climbing up and down steps, going through tunnels and of course, diving into the cage of balls.





Although it was only our first visit, I am definite it won't be our last! :)

Hospital blues

Milo was confined for the first time last February 10 at Asian Hospital. We stayed there for almost a week, during which time he was diagnosed with gastritis. We were discharged on February 15 only to rush back to the hospital the next day due to Milo having a persistent high fever. Fortunately, the fever was traced as an effect of his recent MMR (measles, mumps, rubella) vaccine, and he was OK by February 20. Still, it was a nerve-wracking 10 days. The hardest part was watching the nurse (and eventually the doctor) try to put an IV line into him. His veins kept collapsing and he was very, very distressed during the entire procedure. the had to wrap his entire body in a blanket (save for the part they were trying to put the IV in) so he wouldn't dislodge the needle. It was torture watching him screaming in pain. I hope it will be a long time before I have to go through that again.

Here are two photos of him with his "boxing glove"

Milo's first birthday (a super late post!)

Last week, I finally got a hold of some photos from Milo's birthday party last 2 Jan. An officemate of mine was nice enough to share them. So I finally have photos to post after two months of requesting for copies from other sources. Thank God for cool officemates! :)

The weekend

I had a good weekend with Milo. After months of being to busy on weekends kowtowing to everyone else's schedule, I was so happy and relaxed last weekend when I got to plan my days - start to finish - based on what I wanted to do. Such a lovely change to have the day to myself and my baby boy.

It was Titus' 40th birthday last Saturday and Milo and I took the chance to swim together - our first time! Below are some photos.






Milo also had fun just walking around Shanghai Garden Resort, where the party was held. He's getting bigger by the day. Look how cute he is in his little boy pants. :)








After Saturday's party, we also took a drive to Westgrove Heights where we took in the rolling landscape and of course, more pool time. Sadly no photos of the second swim date with Milo, but I'm planning a third one this Sunday in the village's community pool. I'll be bringing my camera for sure. :)

Update: Milo photos

Mommy blues

I weaned Milo off breast milk after 9 weeks, and went back to work shortly after that. Having Yaya around made life much easier, but the trade-off smarts -- Milo recognizes his Yaya more than he knows me. My officemate says it's a reality every working mom has to deal with.

I'm trying... but boy, it hurts.

In the next days, I want to try to make up for lost time with Milo. Hopefully I get to spend more time with him as his sleeping pattern becomes less erratic and he's up for longer periods of time. Right now, I just have to grin and bear being second best to Yaya. :(

Courtesy of Daddy Paolo

More photos

Milo Antonio

This post has been a long time coming, but here it is!

Here are photos of my baby boy Milo Antonio, born on December 31, 2008 at 9:05 pm. He weighed in at 8.5 lbs. and was 55 cm long.

After a week, he gained a full pound already. By the time he was a month old, he weighed 11.6 lbs. and was 62 cm long.

Now that he's almost 2 months old, I can't wait to bring him to his doctor and see his progress.

I still have sleepless nights. However much he was hyper in my womb is the equal amount of hyper-ness he's exhibiting at the wee hours of the morning. It is very, very tiring to take care of a newborn... and I'm still learning the ropes so it's hit and miss most of the time... but I am learning and I am finding joy each morning as I watch my baby boy finally fall asleep.

Four more weeks

My OB said last Wednesday that I might deliver as early as four weeks from now.

Shit. I am so not ready. I still have so many things to fix... the baby's room, my work schedule, our finances... heck, even my hospital bag hasn't been packed. I am procrastinating, and I think it's because I am scared to death about what I'm going to go through in a few weeks' time.

Jess, please help me.

Thoughts on Milo

Interesting how this new phase in my life can make me sit still for hours on end, just pondering the wonder that is inside me.

My baby has been a hyperactive bundle. He kicks, somersaults, stretches... he coughs and hiccups. By this time, he can swallow already. He is fully formed and can feel pain. He reacts to the environment around him, despite being inside my womb. He knows my voice.

And now, after months of trying to come to terms with the notion of being a mom, I can say this truthfully: Having a baby is a blessing, no matter what the circumstance may be.

Chocolate Kiss

Jaja, a good friend of mine who used to work in SGV, brought me chicken kiev from The Chocolate Kiss for lunch today. I am happily eating it as I post this blog. Milo is basking in the happiness mommy feels right now at getting the much craved kiev. I was even pining for this pre-Milo! I wish I could post a photo but I've practically devoured the entire serving, haha. Just check the web site for Choco Kiss' house specialties; you'll find it there.

Thanks, Jess, for sending me friends like Jaja. This is my pick-me-up for today, and a perfect way to end the week.

Alone

My burgeoning belly is eliciting unsolicited advice from everyone I know, young and old. Do this, do that, don't do this, don't do that... Here are a few of the most popular ones:

What, you still work? Don't stress too much!
Be sure to save enough for all the baby's needs! Be prepared to spend!
Keep fit! You must exercise!
Don't walk around too much!
Eat what you feel like eating, you can't crave something and not get it!
Watch what you eat, too much of that is bad for the baby!
Your tummy is so small, you should get a check-up!
Your tummy is huge, you should take it easy with food!
Surround yourself with happy things - don't cry, don't stress and don't put yourself in situations that get you down. (This is by far the funniest, most ludicrous of all advice. It is simply not possible in my world.)

I try to take everything in stride, but there are days when I just want to scream at them all -- what do you know?! You are not going through this pregnancy -- I am! Instead of giving me unsolicited advice, why don't you mind your own damn business? I don't need another bone to chew on. I already have a mountain of worries on my shoulders.

The truth is, I have never told anyone how utterly scared, alone and misunderstood I have felt since the beginning of this pregnancy. Well, I had a great counselor until he had to leave for the US. And now, it's back to no one understanding me. I tried to reach out, but explaining proves futile. No one gets it.

I have never said it out loud for fear of drowning in it, but I despair many times... I don't know where to find the strength anymore. I can't even feel bad? I can't be irrational when I'm overwhelmed with my thoughts and emotions? I am scared to death about this entire pregnancy, and of being a mother, and of knowing my future is inescapably tied to this little life I now have inside me. And I can't have moments where I can just let all those emotions out? Why?! Because I have to be happy? Because I have to feel blessed? Why is it that I still "have to"?! Why can't I just be?

I know He will not give me what I cannot handle.

So just let me handle things my way.

First letter

My dearest son,

I wake up to find no joy this morning, and undoubtedly you feel it although you can't begin to understand things yet. I just want you to know that I love you, no matter what. Somehow, when I close my eyes and think of that phrase, "I love you", I know you find Truth in it. Know this, too -- despite everything that is happening now, I will never stop loving you.

Please be a bit patient with me, anak. I will try once more to find joy in the morning.