Four more weeks

My OB said last Wednesday that I might deliver as early as four weeks from now.

Shit. I am so not ready. I still have so many things to fix... the baby's room, my work schedule, our finances... heck, even my hospital bag hasn't been packed. I am procrastinating, and I think it's because I am scared to death about what I'm going to go through in a few weeks' time.

Jess, please help me.

Thoughts on Milo

Interesting how this new phase in my life can make me sit still for hours on end, just pondering the wonder that is inside me.

My baby has been a hyperactive bundle. He kicks, somersaults, stretches... he coughs and hiccups. By this time, he can swallow already. He is fully formed and can feel pain. He reacts to the environment around him, despite being inside my womb. He knows my voice.

And now, after months of trying to come to terms with the notion of being a mom, I can say this truthfully: Having a baby is a blessing, no matter what the circumstance may be.

Chocolate Kiss

Jaja, a good friend of mine who used to work in SGV, brought me chicken kiev from The Chocolate Kiss for lunch today. I am happily eating it as I post this blog. Milo is basking in the happiness mommy feels right now at getting the much craved kiev. I was even pining for this pre-Milo! I wish I could post a photo but I've practically devoured the entire serving, haha. Just check the web site for Choco Kiss' house specialties; you'll find it there.

Thanks, Jess, for sending me friends like Jaja. This is my pick-me-up for today, and a perfect way to end the week.

Alone

My burgeoning belly is eliciting unsolicited advice from everyone I know, young and old. Do this, do that, don't do this, don't do that... Here are a few of the most popular ones:

What, you still work? Don't stress too much!
Be sure to save enough for all the baby's needs! Be prepared to spend!
Keep fit! You must exercise!
Don't walk around too much!
Eat what you feel like eating, you can't crave something and not get it!
Watch what you eat, too much of that is bad for the baby!
Your tummy is so small, you should get a check-up!
Your tummy is huge, you should take it easy with food!
Surround yourself with happy things - don't cry, don't stress and don't put yourself in situations that get you down. (This is by far the funniest, most ludicrous of all advice. It is simply not possible in my world.)

I try to take everything in stride, but there are days when I just want to scream at them all -- what do you know?! You are not going through this pregnancy -- I am! Instead of giving me unsolicited advice, why don't you mind your own damn business? I don't need another bone to chew on. I already have a mountain of worries on my shoulders.

The truth is, I have never told anyone how utterly scared, alone and misunderstood I have felt since the beginning of this pregnancy. Well, I had a great counselor until he had to leave for the US. And now, it's back to no one understanding me. I tried to reach out, but explaining proves futile. No one gets it.

I have never said it out loud for fear of drowning in it, but I despair many times... I don't know where to find the strength anymore. I can't even feel bad? I can't be irrational when I'm overwhelmed with my thoughts and emotions? I am scared to death about this entire pregnancy, and of being a mother, and of knowing my future is inescapably tied to this little life I now have inside me. And I can't have moments where I can just let all those emotions out? Why?! Because I have to be happy? Because I have to feel blessed? Why is it that I still "have to"?! Why can't I just be?

I know He will not give me what I cannot handle.

So just let me handle things my way.

First letter

My dearest son,

I wake up to find no joy this morning, and undoubtedly you feel it although you can't begin to understand things yet. I just want you to know that I love you, no matter what. Somehow, when I close my eyes and think of that phrase, "I love you", I know you find Truth in it. Know this, too -- despite everything that is happening now, I will never stop loving you.

Please be a bit patient with me, anak. I will try once more to find joy in the morning.

Craving

OK, so it's as low res as low res can get.. but I just have to say I was in heaven last night when I took matters into my own hands, walked the way to McDo, and bought my cheeseburger meal. To hell with healthy options and financial strain (yes, I am that poor to think twice about buying McDonald's food.) - I needed my cheeseburger fix and I needed it at that moment.

I never quite allowed myself instant gratification in terms of getting my food fixes. I didn't realize it was sooo good to get the food I want the minute I'd want it.

Lesson learned... to make this pregnancy tolerable, eating is the way to go.

It's a boy!

'Nuf said. :D