Monday, August 11, 2014

Joy

I am thankful that I experience moments of pure joy with my son. It's a gift that come unexpectedly in a day; something I look forward to and immerse in it when it happens.

Yesterday I noticed Milo was taking too much of an interest in watching me put on make-up (he volunteered to put on my lipstick). I decided to stop putting make-up in front of him (yes, it's the old-fashioned mindset in me coming out)... but he continued to look at me expectantly. Finally I turned to him and asked what he was thinking. With a shy smile, he stuttered, "Mom... mom even if you have no poweder... and make-up, you're pretty... just like that."

How I love my son :)

Monday, August 4, 2014

Facing rock bottom and reality

Last Saturday, I faced my most dire moment. It has been two months since my son was officially diagnosed with combined type ADHD. We have been going through therapy for two years now; the latest findings also point to a probability of Milo having seizures, and statistics say that 30% of kids with ADHD will also develop Epilepsy. With that jarring conclusion, life for me has once more been turned upside down. There are many things that we now have to be mindful of and watch out for. Milo's ADHD is also manifesting in a more serious way at home, and there are many, many challenges that come along with it -- including how to keep our nannies (we are on our third this year!). Somehow, I have managed to face this, plus a serious health scare from my husband, plus growing responsibilities at work, with some positivity and good cheer. It all came crashing down on me last Saturday though. At the end of a long day (the nanny was off sick, I had to work from home and tend to my son and deal with some house issues), I just ended up sobbing my heart out. It started with a statement: I wish he could just be normal. Then the flood gates opened. What did I ever do wrong to be faced with this situation? I keep trying so hard to hold everything together... why do I feel that I can't, or that I don't want to? I am exhausted, and I feel unloved. People keep saying that there is a reason I was 'chosen' to be Milo's mom -- because I could take all this. But why do I have to? Why me? Why us? My husband just sat beside me and held my hand. He had the good sense to just stay quiet and offer me the comfort of his presence. I felt that in that moment I cried because of all the fears that I had for my son, and that he would grow up to be sad and alone and lonely and just as unloved as I was feeling at that moment. I cried because of my own ineptitude. I cried because I didn't know what else to do. Afterwards, I crawled into bed and slept til the sun came up the next day. Then I got up and moved on. It was good to cry. It helped me face rock bottom, and allowed me to move a little bit closer to embracing this new reality. I am still fearful, sad, and disheartened at times. But having articulated what I thought were very selfish and self-centered thoughts, and having my husband just sit quietly and listen, really helped me accept the fact that I did have those thoughts... and in the end, it's ok, because what's important is not that I think happy thoughts... it's that despite having the gloomiest of thoughts, I still find the courage to get up and try to live a happy life.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Reality bites

Milo just started school last June, and two weeks into classes, his adviser called me for a short conference. Apparently, he's having quite a challenge adjusting to the rigid school structure (he is so used to unstructured play) and needs additional guidance at home. It was my first inkling that there would be struggles ahead when it came to Milo's education. A month later, I was still getting called to school. I consulted my pediatrician about other behavioral reinforcements that I could try, and she suggested that I bring him to an occupational therapist. We are going onto our third session with the OT and so far, we are seeing opportunities to reinforce correct behavior in ways that Milo will be receptive to. The OT also explained that his hyperactiveness, impulsiveness and lack of focus would really be highlighted in such a traditional school setting... I guess it's time to explore progressive educational institutions in the area as well. In Milo's first two years of life, I really was the proud parent, ever defensive of even the slightest criticism, basically convincing myself that Milo could do no wrong. But in doing so, I have done wrong by him, and now it's time to take a hard stand on his behavior. Hopefully, with time, effort and consistency, we'll be able to correct this and help Milo assimilate better into student life. It's a humbling experience to go through this, and I am thankful for my supportive husband and family who assure me that things will be ok. Most of all, I am thankful that Jess has let his kindness and Grace shine through all the preoccupations in my life, and slowly but surely find its way to my heart.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Sunday, March 28, 2010

More photos

Just some recent photos, courtesy of Tita Jo ElicaƱo.






Wednesday, March 17, 2010

A Fun Ranch indeed!

We took Milo to Fun Ranch for the first time last march 6. After taking a while to warm up to the place (the play area is huge, Milo was running around, climbing up and down steps, going through tunnels and of course, diving into the cage of balls.





Although it was only our first visit, I am definite it won't be our last! :)