Facing rock bottom and reality

Last Saturday, I faced my most dire moment. It has been two months since my son was officially diagnosed with combined type ADHD. We have been going through therapy for two years now; the latest findings also point to a probability of Milo having seizures, and statistics say that 30% of kids with ADHD will also develop Epilepsy. With that jarring conclusion, life for me has once more been turned upside down. There are many things that we now have to be mindful of and watch out for. Milo's ADHD is also manifesting in a more serious way at home, and there are many, many challenges that come along with it -- including how to keep our nannies (we are on our third this year!). Somehow, I have managed to face this, plus a serious health scare from my husband, plus growing responsibilities at work, with some positivity and good cheer. It all came crashing down on me last Saturday though. At the end of a long day (the nanny was off sick, I had to work from home and tend to my son and deal with some house issues), I just ended up sobbing my heart out. It started with a statement: I wish he could just be normal. Then the flood gates opened. What did I ever do wrong to be faced with this situation? I keep trying so hard to hold everything together... why do I feel that I can't, or that I don't want to? I am exhausted, and I feel unloved. People keep saying that there is a reason I was 'chosen' to be Milo's mom -- because I could take all this. But why do I have to? Why me? Why us? My husband just sat beside me and held my hand. He had the good sense to just stay quiet and offer me the comfort of his presence. I felt that in that moment I cried because of all the fears that I had for my son, and that he would grow up to be sad and alone and lonely and just as unloved as I was feeling at that moment. I cried because of my own ineptitude. I cried because I didn't know what else to do. Afterwards, I crawled into bed and slept til the sun came up the next day. Then I got up and moved on. It was good to cry. It helped me face rock bottom, and allowed me to move a little bit closer to embracing this new reality. I am still fearful, sad, and disheartened at times. But having articulated what I thought were very selfish and self-centered thoughts, and having my husband just sit quietly and listen, really helped me accept the fact that I did have those thoughts... and in the end, it's ok, because what's important is not that I think happy thoughts... it's that despite having the gloomiest of thoughts, I still find the courage to get up and try to live a happy life.